


And where hell is there must we ever be

by QuoteMyFoot



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self Harm by Proxy, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 02:50:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19039654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuoteMyFoot/pseuds/QuoteMyFoot
Summary: After what Kamoshida did to Shiho, Ann is determined to see him suffer. But she's not sure what sort of punishment to reserve for herself.Ann's perspective on the first palace and Shadow Kamoshida.





	And where hell is there must we ever be

Ann thought she was already living in her own personal hell, scorned and talked badly about by everyone – except for Kamoshida, with his sickly sweet poison, and Shiho, her only ray of sunshine.

Then she gambled with Kamoshida's whims, not realising the true stakes. She watched Shiho drop—fall— _jump—_

Ann felt like she'd stood behind her and pushed.

That, then – the slow, slow realisation creeping over her like the clammy touches of Kamoshida. _I did this._ Knowing that she would have to look Kamoshida in the face again and see his triumphant smirk—

That was what hell really felt like.

* * *

In the Palace, she found her hell made real. Every turret, every Shadow, every statue and even the ugly crown that Kamoshida's Shadow paraded around in, felt like her nightmares come to life more vividly than she'd ever dared to dream.

The Shadows were fixated on her. They attacked her more often than the boys; the ones claiming to be Kamoshida's lieutenants somehow feeling exactly like the chilling touch of Kamoshida's hands, even when they sliced open her skin. Once, one of them caught her in the face and it bled like a river. _Dia_ healed that wound up like all the others but couldn't get rid of the blood that clotted her hair. Back in the real world, they had to use all of Ryuji's water bottle cleaning it up so no one would ask questions.

Ann didn't mind. In fact, she welcomed it. When she remembered how Shiho had been shattered, body and soul, she _had_ to accept ever wound, every bruise, all the pain that she _should've_ suffered before she let that man lay a hand on Shiho.

This was what hell was supposed to be like. Her, suffering alone. No one else.

_No one else will be hurt because of me._

_No one._

Anyway, it was useful. With her the clear priority, Akira, Ryuji and Morgana could strategise and plan for each encounter. And if an enemy fixated on one of the others for a change, well, it was easy enough to get their attention again.

The first time a Shadow unexpectedly changed targets and threw Akira across the room, Ann was so blinded by fury that she didn't even feel the blows it rained upon her in return until it was dead and Ryuji said, "Holy _shit_ , An—Panther, you could've lost your _eye_."

That was the time her hair become a clot nearly as red as her mask. Washing it away was its own kind of punishment. It felt like washing away the proof of her vow.

_Kamoshida, can you see this? I will never let you destroy anyone else. Ever._

_If it's going to be anyone, it has to be me._

This was _her_ punishment, after all. Her cross to bear.

_Shiho, I…_

* * *

Eventually, they fought their way to Kamoshida himself. The final boss. The Prince of Hell.

Of course his real form was grotesque – Ann had never expected him to look like anything else. Misshapen and monstrous, he towered above her, momentarily blotting out the light from the chandelier. Ann had never expected anything else, but for that moment, just like always, she stood in his shadow and all her fury and determination left her. She could only look up to the razor sharp teeth, all sound drowned out by the quiet sobbing coming from the girls in the trophy and the thudding of her own heart in her ears.

Maybe she imagined it, but one of the pitiful cries suddenly reminded her of Shiho. Her stupor broken an instant.

How dare he keep Shiho—keep _any of them—_ as trophies. How dare he gorge himself on the memories of those violations, his crimes. _How dare he._

The whip _Carmen_ gave her had never moved so easily in Ann's hand. Like an extension of her own limbs, with a flick of her wrist it struck Kamoshida in the face. The monster staggered back, howling.

It wasn't enough. She wasn't finished with him yet.

She threw her arm out and the whip wrapped around the edge of the chandelier. Ann gripped the handle of the whip tightly and swung the chandelier, letting it swing her forward, following Kamoshida before the bastard had a chance to recover.

There were no thoughts in her head except that she wanted to hurt him.

But the grotesque Kamoshida looked up as she arced through the air, and grinned.

Ann had a heartbeat to notice every one of the razor teeth in his mouth before the hellhole opened wide. Ann started to fall, and the darkness of that bottomless pit seemed to rise to meet her. An eternity, stretching on and on—

Something struck her around the middle with enough force to knock the wind out of her, but the void vanished from beneath her and she smacked painfully into the floor instead. Someone groaned. Ann's head was spinning, but she rolled over and recognised Akira's—Joker's—distinctive mask.

_He saved me?_

The monster Kamoshida roared and Ann staggered to her feet, standing in front of Akira and raising her arms mindlessly. She was still dizzy and could barely see—

She needn't have bothered. Ryuji was there between one blink and the next, and he knocked Kamoshida's grasping clawed hand away with the butt of his fake shotgun.

"Lady Ann!" Morgana cried. _Zorro_ appeared above his head, and Ann's mind cleared. Her breathing came easier. "There, that should help."

"You don't have to do everything by yourself, you know," Ryuji grumbled.

He planted himself between Ann and Kamoshida like a wall, every atom poised to take the next attack.

Akira gasped and sat up, shaking his head. "What'd I miss?" He looked up at Ann and a thin smile showed under his mask. "Oh, good, you're okay."

"Think about yourself as well!" Morgana scolded.

But he didn't sound very serious. Something in Ann's stomach twisted at the same time that her heart fluttered. It was nice to feel that they worried about her, but she hadn't _meant_ to worry anyone. There was a dark voice in the corner of her mind whispering that she didn't deserve their concern at all.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a grunt and a clanging sound.

"A little help here?" Ryuji asked.

Akira's expression sharpened as he flipped to his feet. "He's too big to fight head on. We need a plan."

"And there's some creepy-ass shit going on with that trophy thing and the—"

The rest of Ryuji's sentence was drowned out by the sound of his shotgun going off, leaving Ann's ears ringing.

"Lady Ann, you gave me an excellent idea!" Morgana pointed to the chandelier she'd swung from with a paw, his paw travelling to the observation balcony, where there was an enormous plant pot to hide behind. "If we can get up there, we can use the chandelier to knock that crown off his head..."

Akira snorted. "Heh. He's so obsessed with his status – that _has_ to give us an opening."

Ann felt lost, but Akira seemed confident, tossing his knife in his hands and grinning.

"Morgana, you go," he decided eventually. "The rest of us will keep him busy."

Morgana darted away.

Akira made Ann jump when he nudged her with his elbow. "It was a cool stunt. Just… maybe leave some heroics for the rest of us, yeah?"

His smile, this time, seemed somewhat brittle. Ann stared at it, wondering if she had invented their gratitude towards her for taking all the fire. Maybe it had always been an excuse to punish herself.

Akira's smile faded altogether, and Ann quickly said, "Okay."

He probably couldn't see her face under her mask, so he couldn't know just how much it _burned._ Shame, embarrassment, the feeling like someone had just seen straight through her and the pity driving his careful avoidance of the truth…

It seemed, suddenly, that she didn't deserve to be here at all. How easy to stay trapped in a conveniently physical manifestation of her personal hell instead of trying to move on. Instead of admitting she'd been powerless the whole time and Kamoshida was the only one who could ever have 'saved' Shiho, that even the tiny little bit of control she'd thought she had over Kamoshida, over her own life, was a lie

How much easier to punish herself for the choices of a piece of shit like Kamoshida, instead of admitting that Shiho was beyond her reach and if she survived, if Ann could ever be at peace with herself again, it would have nothing to do with any bruises or blood shed here.

She was supposed to be angry, but instead she was only frightened and ashamed.

Akira and Ryuji were already fighting. Ann tightened her grip on her weapon, so hard that her knuckles ached, but she couldn't bring herself to move.

 _Don't be scared, my dear,_ Carmen said. _Here, I can help you remember—_

And then she did. She remembered the perfect moment of clarity that had been Carmen's birth, when she'd felt so furious at Kamoshida that there had been no room for her guilt or fears or even grief. Just burning, burning anger, an inferno inside her. He couldn't be allowed to do this.

Ann breathed deep.

He _wouldn't_ be allowed to do this any more.

She raised her whip and caught one of Kamoshida's monstrous hands with it. She was pulled along the ground by his strength but she slowed him down before he could hit Ryuji.

_Thank you, Carmen._

Kamoshida's Shadow turned to glare at her.

Her persona laughed, dark and melodic. _My pleasure, dear. Now… let's teach him what it means to suffer, hm?_

The inferno inside Ann was raw and real and just waiting to be released; she had only to call its name. But she waited for Kamoshida to come to her first, lumbering and menacing, until he was standing right over her.

Ann yanked the mask away from her face and Carmen materialised, laughing delightedly. Ann didn't have to tell Carmen anything – the persona opened her arms and Kamoshida howled as he was engulfed in a pillar of flame.

"Nice one, Panther!" Ryuji called.

She didn't have time to reply as she rolled out of the way of Kamoshida's next strike. The Shadow raised his enormous arm again, but a shot from Akira rattled the side of his head. Kamoshida turned with a snarl. Ann risked a glance at Morgana's hiding spot. He was almost in position.

_We just have to hang on a little longer…_

Akira summoned Arsene. The persona still sent a shiver down Ann's spine, but she grinned when Arsene opened his wings and hit Kamoshida with a dark spell.

"You annoying _pests!_ " Kamoshida howled, backhanding Akira and sending him crashing to the floor.

Ann's heart stopped beating for a moment, but Ryuji reacted instantly. Captain Kidd darted—sailed—between Akira and a second blow from Kamoshida and then lunged forward into Kamoshida's chest. He staggered back, giving Ann a second to call Carmen again and cast _Dia_ to heal Akira. Morgana would give away his position if he did it.

Kamoshida's Shadow snarled. "I'll kill _all of you._ "

Ann froze when Kamoshida's eyes darted about. He frowned, and even with him looking the monster he was on the inside, she recognised that expression of confusion, a sign that Kamoshida was turning things over in his head.

Kamoshida wasn't stupid. Give him another moment and he would notice Morgana missing. They'd have to come up with a new plan, fight him for longer, with less energy—

Ann didn't have time to think; she just acted.

She dropped her hands behind her back and leaned forward to emphasise her chest. Remembering the bimbo lookalike that the Shadow had been obsessed with, she pitched her voice higher and called in a sing-song tone, "Kamoshida…!"

Like a dog when whistled for, Kamoshida turned his head towards her, eyes gleaming with interest. Such a short time and she'd already forgotten what it felt like to be an object of his interest. Bile rose in her throat as he smiled. Smiled, like he _knew_ her, inside and out, like she was a game and he already knew all the cheat codes, That he could 'win' her, just like his precious medals.

All of her insides squirmed and writhed. She wanted to run away. She wanted to kill him. She wanted to cry. She took a step back, but she wasn't sure if she was going to retreat, or to take a run up and stab him in his ugly face.

There was a creaking noise from the chandelier above Ann's head. She glanced upwards in time to see a small, dark shape sitting in it, and she looked away again quickly. Morgana was ready, but Kamoshida was still far away.

Something inside her seemed to crystallise. Her heart pounded against her ribcage, but it felt like her chest was made of steel. When she spoke, her voice didn't falter.

"Hey, Kamoshida. You said you wanted a piece of me?" She licked her lips and grinned. "Come and get some, then."

Kamoshida charged.

"Panther—!"

If she let herself recognise which one of them shouted, if she so much as caught a glimpse of their concern, she'd lose her nerve. Ann ignored them and focused only on Carmen's bloodthirsty laughter in her head. _Oh yes, my dear, we can_ _ **have**_ _him now._

Ann cracked the whip, a satisfying sound that strengthened her resolve even as the Shadow bore down on her. _I won't yield. I won't yield to you. After what happened to Shiho, I can't—_

The chandelier creaked again, as Morgana got ready to make his move. At the height of the swing, Kamoshida changed direction, trying to bring his giant hand down on Morgana, but Ann flicked out her whip again and threw her whole body weight into pulling him away. Morgana leapt off the chandelier, above Kamoshida, and drew back his slingshot and neatly _pinged_ the crown off the Shadow's head.

The monster wailed.

 _Wailed,_ loud and long like a baby, as the crown bounced across the floor and rolled to a stop at Akira's feet. He picked it up and tossed it behind him, far out of Kamoshida's reach.

And Kamoshida just _sobbed._ He seemed to shrink—no, he really did shrink, growing smaller and smaller and folding in on himself until he was only a little bigger than he was in the real world. The trophy-cup with his trophy-girls slipped out of his hands and rolled away, growing silent.

Ann could only stare. This was the man who'd tormented her for years. This was the man who'd driven Shiho to take her own life.

This… pathetic… man… was the monster who'd haunted her for so long?

She could see very clearly all of a sudden. A loathsome, sad man clinging onto whatever power he could claw back from his glory days, a way to keep his ego puffed up even as he became less, and less…

_I felt guilty—I punished myself—I_ _**suffered** _ _because of that?_

If he hadn't done things so terrible, she might've pitied how worthless he was. But the memory of watching Shiho drop, the memory of her stomach churning over and over as he'd called her to demand she let him have a piece of her, rose to the surface at Carmen's soft urging.

 _Never forgive men who've used you, darling,_ she whispered. _Never forgive men who've treated you like dirt._

 _That's right,_ Ann thought. ' _I will rob you of_ _ **everything.**_ ' _I said I would, didn't I?_

 _And you can!_ Carmen appeared above her head without Ann even having to call as the boys started to cast spells at the useless Kamoshida, who feebly tried to wave them away with his hands. _Grind him to dust beneath our heels! Let only ashes remain!_

Ann released a breath and let him burn with Carmen's spells.

He wailed and sobbed and begged and it was—all—too— _easy_.

Was it easy for Shiho, to climb to the roof, to look at the ledge and let herself go? Was it easy for Ann when she went to school every day with the thought of Kamoshida's clammy hands eating away at her insides, at her joy, at her life? Was it easy for her to choose to protect herself, for once, knowing Shiho might suffer in her stead?

Would it be easy to keep on living, knowing what Shiho had suffered because of Kamoshida had caused her so much pain, had probably _killed_ her?

It would never, ever be easy. Ann would go on hating pieces of herself for a long time, wondering what if, what if…

She'd punished herself enough. Now it was time for Kamoshida to suffer—but as the monstrous form fell away and the Shadow Kamoshida, looking more like his self in the real world, stumbled away from them, Ann only felt more and more angry, until the buzzing thoughts in her head drowned out even Carmen's crowing about their victory and calls for blood.

_He thinks he gets to take the easy way out? No._ _**No.** _ _He doesn't deserve to have it ended yet._

Carmen saw what Ann wanted and chuckled. _Oh? So the satisfaction of killing him is not enough for you? Ha… seeing the real man at his absolute lowest, guilt ridden and ashamed for the rest of his life, has it's own appeal… You are, indeed, a user worthy of my talents._

Ann didn't care about Carmen's praise right then. She thought only of Shiho. Punishing Kamoshida could never bring her back, but—she hoped that Shiho would be vindicated, at least. That all of Kamoshida's victims would be vindicated. 'It wasn't that we were weak or useless or a slut. It was that he was evil to us.'

She hoped, in the end, they would have the courage to forgive themselves.

_And maybe I will too._

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the May Prompt Challenge on r/fanfiction. My prompts were Random Trope (chandelier swing) and Random Words (hell, gamble, camel - of which I used the first two). The title is from Christopher Marlowe's Doctor Faustus. All comments welcome!


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